If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Good morning, Twitter x
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.