This is sending me to another galaxy
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All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Yoga Matt
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long