Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?