Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores