[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen