*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
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I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Monday Lisa
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.