🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
🤣😈🤣
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
The three genders
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts