*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.