I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
never compromise your values
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
crying
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday