RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you