Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
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*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up