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BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.