*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Flock of bats
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.