I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Only short people can save us
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.