God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
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Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
he looks great for his age
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.