I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Day 2 of my diet
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open