The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.