*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler