Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
You Might Also Like
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married