“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
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*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
groan^2