My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Somebody call the cops.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.