Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
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A great tip. #CakeRex
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind