me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing