“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Weirdly Wednesday.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.