I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Velcrow
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.