everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character