I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
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Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
do u think theres a butter planet?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.