#winning
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I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
This bar smells like my childhood.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020