wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag