Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
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Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
#NeverForget
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.