I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
The Backseat Boys
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Finally!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly