My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.