Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.