I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My dad is at it again
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum