[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Body by Oreos
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads