Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.