Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
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*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0