why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
How to draw a duck
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I hope Alan is OK
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.