Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I got bills
They’re multiplying
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.