Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
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Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
What a year we’ve had this week.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.