[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
You had me at “define legal”.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
This is my favorite one of these!
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…