Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”