Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
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An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Botany good plants lately?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.