I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
dutch is not a serious language
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
This is sending me to another galaxy