GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
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I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.