My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?