Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
You Might Also Like
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
it was a valiant fight
The future is now.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast