My birthstone is a marshmallow
You Might Also Like
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Mountain Goat : )
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Happens to everyone.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.