I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
CUTE CAT‼︎
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.