If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
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I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*